My 4 husbands
I’m just going to toss this out here to normalize in the event you are also having this kind of experience as a firefighter/EMS significant other.
I joke that I have four husbands. Anyone with a firefighter/EMS significant other - maybe any first responder - can probably relate to this. You experience your first responder as different people in relation to the job and in turn, are impacted or adjust to each of these versions. See if any of this resonates.
The night before work: This husband is a little quieter, maybe a bit more distant. There’s a mental preparedness that is starting, maybe even a hypervigilance. The stress response is gearing up for 24 hours of unpredictability. As an officer, he also starts checking the schedule and game planning.
Impact: It can be tough to engage this guy and I can start to feel alone, so I try to ask about the crew and any plans for the shift. I also add in a follow up question to whatever answer I get to have some connection.
On tour: This husband is to the point. Not cold, just intentional. I can expect calls around the same times during the day (pending runs) and the conversations to have the same set of questions. It’s predictable. He’s in work mode.
Impact: This can be tough for me if I’m having a bigger emotion because he often cannot meet me where I am. I remind myself he’s compartmentalized right now for his safety and for the safety of the crew and the public. His brain needs to work like this for the job. I will talk about the fun parts of our day and only bring up urgent items. I tend to ask questions about what they’re having for meals, how the crew is doing, and if anything interesting has happened.
The day after: Oh boy, this guy. I’ll lead with I fully appreciate that I do not get an angry husband. I do, however, get a teenager jacked up on caffeine ready to antagonize the shit out of me. The more tired he is, the more energetic he seems.
Impact: This can be a lot of fun - unless I was just up all night with a kid or am not feeling it. On these days, I try to joking point out that “after work Greg” is here and help him find avenues to discharge that energy that don’t involve annoying me for fun. I am clearer about my feelings on these days too since I’m more prone to frustration and I don’t want to discourage him from healthily transitioning back to home life.
On vacation/Kelly weeks: This husband is freer. I can tell a weight has lifted and he can relax, be playful, enjoy himself and worry less. All of this makes perfect sense since he’s likely getting sleep, eating regular meals, and not thinking about the job.
Impact: I feel much more connected to this husband. I am happier knowing he’s getting some rest and decompression time. I feel his presence and attention on our family. Not say those don’t exist the rest of the time, they absolutely do, it just feels different. I’m very similar with my work - while I’m attentive to my family during projects, I can get obsessive about timelines and creative moments that I’m just more distant as a result.
There are always outliers. For instance, a tough tour or difficult run will bring more heaviness, fatigue, and likely solitude. I’ll notice him talking on the phone more to other people from the job - often a friend at another station. I try to bring softness and support on these days. While I welcome any information he wants to share, my main concern is that he is getting what he needs to cope and heal. I appreciate the times when he brings me in on what’s happening with the department, station, crew, and his experiences in general. I feel valued when he includes me in what’s been happening on the job.
My spouse doesn’t recognize he is all these parts, and that makes sense. For one, this is how I experience him and two, there are aspects of myself I don’t see either. Your first responder might not notice how or when they change. If you’re impacted by their changes, I hope you’re able to talk about how you experience them during those time. Also, what I outlined is my experience with my husband and we’re different people from you and your first responder. It makes total sense that you would have a different experience.
If you’re a first responder reading these, consider asking your partner how they experience you in relation to the job.