7 years sober (this time)
Active drinking is hard. Sobriety is hard. Pick your hard. Right now, I’m choosing sobriety.
I don’t remember my first sip of alcohol. I remember getting “slush” at holiday parties and sips of beer as a kid. P.S. that slush was loaded with Absolut and I loved it. I have a distinct memory of getting drunk at 14 while instant messaging strangers on the internet. Hello, 1998! We’d need a few hours (or days) to recount the happenings between then and now, but here’s a brief recap.
I drank a lifetimes worth of alcohol in 17 years
The number of times I’ve peed the bed/couch while passed out is embarrassingly high
Me and red wine are toxic lovers
I am internally and externally destructive as a drinker (not just when drinking or drunk, but the person I am when alcohol is a part of my life)
Binge drinking was my jam. Lots of alcohol in a short amount of time. Maybe once a week or a couple times of month. Preferably with a blackout. It was easier to just not know what happened.
I became a therapist to “help people” (read: figure out my shit, which included drinking large quantities of alcohol to quiet my brain while simultaneously allowing me to be free)
I’ve been sober long enough to have friends (and a spouse) who never knew the drinking version of me and that’s wild because she was so integral to my survival for so long
The first time I got sober was December 2011. I was dating someone in long-term recovery and thought I probably shouldn’t drink either. No biggie. I don’t drink regularly and this shouldn’t be a big deal. And it wasn’t, initially. One day the boyfriend said something to the effect of sobriety wasn’t a big deal for me because I wasn’t thinking in terms of forever. Part of me was like, well no, it’s supposed to be one day at a time. And another part of me was like, of course not forever. Boom. Shift. Sobriety was more difficult now because of this realization. Damn it.
We dated for almost two years and I remained sober throughout that time. I attended some Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, had a sponsor, did some of the 12 steps, and was getting counseling for anxiety and depression. I attended church and felt connected spiritually, but it didn’t feel like my life.
We broke up and I started seeing someone from my past shortly thereafter - someone with whom I drank regularly and heavily. On a ski trip out west, after my body failed me in the mountains and I ran over a ski school of small children, I decided to return to drinking. It was March 2014. Of note, I had planned on drinking for about three months and this was a really good excuse. Plus, as a former chemical dependency therapist and previous sober person, I knew what to watch out for. If those signs and symptoms presented themselves again, I would know I just can’t drink casually - that alcohol is a drug to me, not a beverage. Oh man, I was hoping it was beverage…
Over the next 4 years I got to experience wine tastings across the country, cocktails in first class on the way to Hawaii, Thursday nights at our favorite bar, mental escapes into intoxicated bliss, inhibition and freedom. I also got to experience debilitating anxiety about my decisions and worth, emotional abuse from a boss, suicidal and homicidal thoughts, intense guilt and shame for my behavior, and terrible sleep and digestion. Oh and some really bad medication reactions because “do not consume alcohol” was interpreted as a suggestion instead of a requirement.
Somewhere in the 2016 range, the signs and symptoms had progressed far enough that I knew I couldn’t drink casually. I pre-gamed before outings so I could drink more while appearing like I was only having a couple at the event. I made very risky and dangerous decisions - and I’m not totally sure how I’m still alive, honestly. I shut off all my feelings, except for worthlessness. That one hung around. I remember calling my previous sponsor one night and leaving a voicemail. When she didn’t return my call, I used that as an excuse to continue drinking. I found out later she was in a serious health crisis during that time and her not returning my call had nothing to do with me.
On November 25, 2018 I started drinking at my parents while visiting for Thanksgiving. I remember consuming two bottles of wine at their house and wanting to join people up town for more drinks. In this rural part of the country, there were no ride share opportunities and I’m not entirely sure why I was home by myself. Maybe I wasn’t and I lied about feeling fine. That’s very plausible. At any rate, I decided to drive the 10 minutes to town. [This was stupid, by the way. A terrible, horrible decision that I feel intense guilt over. My rational brain was completely offline, as it is when substances are involved.] I drank a couple pints and shots at the bar, and was driven back to my parents. Upon waking in the morning, I had foggy memories of a night that would change the trajectory of my life.
I woke the next morning trembling with the feeling that something horrible happened. I had embarrassment for how I behaved but I also felt like I had been violated or taken advantage of. I felt disgusting and all I had were flashes of memories from the blackout to try to piece things together. By the end of the week, I had an assessment with a clinician to address whatever the hell was going on.
Despite not knowing what actually happened, we opted to proceed with treatment as if I had been inappropriately touched. My body was holding on to trauma that needed addressed. I started Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) work with a therapist but that relationship wasn’t working for me. This is super frustrating and also a thing that can happen. Thankfully there were other options and I found a much better fit. Thus began a multiple year journey into my shit. Really diving in, doing some very hard work on myself, moving across the state, changing jobs and changing jobs again, pushing myself, falling down, getting back up, fucking things up, repairing relationships, repeating patterns, breaking cycles, having my heart broken, falling in love, and intentionally creating a life I didn’t want to escape from.
Ok, so anyone who has ever experienced anything knows that the previous paragraph is a glossed over version of some very tough stuff. Seven years worth of varying joyful and difficult experiences. I’ll break those down over time - or maybe we meet to chat about our stories. Hell, maybe I’ll even write a book one day!
I’ve experienced new insights each year in sobriety. I’m able to move through grief and difficulty where I would previously get stuck or spiral. I can regulate the shit out of my emotions now and that is incredibly helpful given most people and things annoy me. I’m a deeply feeling person, so I feel bombarded all the time by everyone’s energy/mood. I’ll be clear, I still do not get it right all the time. I do, however, own up to my errors much quicker and more sincerely though. I have a very reliable support system of mutual trust and respect, which is incredibly beneficial.
I’m married and have a one year old kid. The first year postpartum was the toughest in my sobriety as everything was completely different than ever before - hormones, sleep, my body, my mental health, exercise, everything. Despite having an amazing partner, parenthood and marriage has challenges… everything involves challenges. I can move through them now. I am not always the best team player and turns out, not everyone thinks my way is best. I can realize this about myself, take ownership of it, and laugh. I’m not in a constant state of defensiveness and that’s so freeing. Sobriety doesn’t make all the things go away or magically better, but it definitely helps me get through them and have better experiences on the other side.
Active drinking is hard. Sobriety is hard. Pick your hard. Right now, I’m choosing sobriety.
RESOURCES
Here’s a free, anonymous assessment if you want to check in on your alcohol consumption.
If you’re thinking about a change, I highly recommend the strategies on Rethinking Drinking.
Some things that were or are still helpful in my sobriety
Being around people I respect who already model who I want to be
A group who really gets it (AA meeting, Celebrate Recovery)
Therapy with a skilled therapist or a treatment center
Ontological coaching (very helpful once the mental health stuff was settled)
If you’d like me to tell my story at your event, please send an email with your request.