Similar, but different.
From a spontaneous tattoo to relationships on the line, how “similar but different” can create connection.
In August 2019, we surprised my dad in Nashville, Tennessee for his 60th birthday. For some reason, us sisters arrived wicked early in the day and had to entertain ourselves before the big reveal. We sat on a nice patio and had some brunch. We laid by the pool and splashed our feet in the water. Eventually, we decided to get matching tattoos, as one does. The youngest of us girls chose a symbol meaning “similar, but different,” because it encompassed the three of us - each different but having similarities to the others. And that’s the day I had math permanently inked into my skin. Maybe you can’t relate to getting matching tattoos, spontaneously putting something permanent on your body, or just going to Nashville… but I’m guessing you can relate to the “similar but different” experience.
As a fire wife, I often feel that whatever I’m experiencing in civilian life doesn’t compare to what my husband experiences on the line. Maybe you even hear that from your first responder partner. However, in an attempt to connect with our significant others, its necessary to find the common denominator, if you will. We don’t have to experience the same things or even compare which is worse, we can just relate to the feelings involved. For instance, I don’t need to experience the death of a parent to be able to relate to intense grief or struggle the same in my relationship to understand loneliness. The same is true in our unique first responder relationships.
Here are a few examples I thought of recently. While I can’t relate to many of the job specifics, I can relate to…
Fear and anxiety creeping in or consuming me before a shift. In corporate work, it’s often called Sunday dread, when the anticipatory anxiety of the coming week takes hold and I feel restless, agitated, and have trouble sleeping. I would have panic attacks thinking about what I had to respond to the following morning, having all the details prepared for the team, being an industry expert, meeting expectations, and so on. It seemed that no amount of preparation could ease this experience every. single. week.
Trying to function through brain fog and exhaustion. The reason why I’m in this place is much different - caring for a child vs. responding to emergencies - but the effects are similar. I can’t think to save my life. In fact, the harder I try to remember or move quickly, especially with unfamiliar tasks, the more frustrated and stuck I get. I feel like a shell of a person. Never quite present for anything, even the fun stuff. I want to be. I try to be. I’m just not there right now.
Resentment toward others. I’ve been passed over for a promotion and a less qualified person has gotten it. People have made assumptions about me, created realities because of those assumptions, and then treated me differently in response - all because they didn’t talk with me and get clarification. I know that feeling of rage bubbling just below the surface and not knowing how to approach the other person or if it’s even worth it.
High standards for my performance. I am a high achiever and expect myself to always bring my “A” game, no off days. I don’t miss details. I remember all the necessary facts and requests, even nuances. I don’t just hit the mark, I crush it. And I tear myself a part when I don’t, even if it was good enough. Good enough doesn’t cut it. I’m filled with anger, disappointment, maybe even shame, disgust, fear, or self hate.
There’s a harsh reality that many first responder significant others cannot relate to the death our loved one experiences. And maybe there aren’t similar feelings for these experiences that we can connect to. It’s in those moments that we allow ourselves to be supportive with our presence. I know the comfort that comes from having someone silently sit with me through excruciating and debilitating times, and the appreciation I have when they don’t try to find a solution - they’re just there. Terrifyingly vulnerable and courageous.
If we’re looking for proof someone can’t relate, we’ll find it. Similarly, if we looking for proof that they understand or are trying to connect, we’ll find that, too. Here’s hoping you’ll seek out that connection and understanding with your partner.